itsrob’s statuslog

I was thinking it might be really neat if you could break down existing gum flavors and create new ones. It could be quite an ex-spearmint

Pencils shave so they can look sharp.

I made a ceramic bust of Mohammad Ali but unfortunately it exploded in the kiln. Must have been gaseous clay.

Whiteboards are really remarkable

I flunked out of dairy farming school; they said I didn't work well with udders.

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. For real! I can't even remember the last time I ate a monkey.

The creator of autocorrect passed away, his funfair is neck monkey.

My friend mail-ordered a snail. It's ex-cargo.

I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda, quite a fanta-sea

I had some birthday cake today. There was so much food coloring on it that now I feel I've dyed a little inside.

A guy tried to sell me a coffin, I told him that's the last thing I need.

I used to be a narcissist but now look at me!

i poured my root beer into a square cup and now it's beer.

a really great banjo solo is so low you can't actually hear it.

Elevator jokes are funny because they work on so many levels.

I had a can opener but it broke so now it's a "can't open-'er"

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab at it enough

Scuba divers fall backwards off the boat because if they fell forward they'd just fall into the boat.

I really miss the days when television was full of bush and gore

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

When you're in a bar on the moon and gravity walks in be careful because some things are about to go down!

The difference between a pizza and a pizza joke is that a pizza joke can't be topped!

I might take you out for pizza if you play your carbs right

If I can't take you to my local mexican restaurant on a date then I'm nacho kind of guy.

I heard the man who invented the throat lozenge died recently, and that there was, in fact no coffin at his funeral.

Last weekend I got a great deal on a radio with the volume stuck on 10. I couldn't turn it down.

I like to create a playlist of songs to listen to when I'm hiking. Everyone enjoys a good trail mix.

B stays cool because it is surrounded by the AC

I had a friend who went to clown college on a fool scholarship

If 666 is all evil, then the root of all evil is approximately 25.81

I adopted the blacksmith's dog and as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

The police found two crows on the corner and took them into custody. Attempted murder.

Melons usually get married in churches because they cantaloupe

I'm pretty sure the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero is Green Lantern

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza, should have set the oven to aloha temperature

When asked to say a few words at his 80th birthday party, the pirate said "Aye, matey"

So apparently the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.

I tried taking some high-res photos of local farmland but they all came out sort of grainy

I got a new job in the neonatal goat ward! Just kidding

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Nine out of ten doctors recommend drinking water instead of soda. Nice try, Dr. Pepper.

My friend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me, but it is ok I only have super-fish-oil injuries

Your nose is in the middle of your face because its the scenter

My friend owns a shoe store. He's the sole proprietor.

I'm thinking back to that time when I had all my lamps stolen. I was delighted.

Starting your day with a funeral is difficult if you're not a mourning person

My friend said camping in the backyard wasn't really camping and I was like "for all in tents and purposes, it is"

Mathematicians like the forest because of all the natural logs.

Challenging a scotsman to a duel could get you kilt

My friend lost his stats job; he suggested they tell new employees to always give 110%

I started wearing two watches so I could have a little more time on my hands

I never see any bugs at church I think they must be in sects.

I thought it might be fun to have a bust made and try to sell it to a local art gallery. The sculptor i hired was concerned that I was getting a head of myself

To tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile, try to figure out if it will see you later or after a while

I think my archaeologist friend is sad; I overheard him telling someone his career was in ruins

I find the greatest conflict in a loaf of bread tends to be in the middle yeast

My friend lives in a homeless camp, they each have a cardboard box or two. I asked if I could stay over sometime but he told me they were pretty exclusive; in fact it was a corru-gated community.

selling your soul to the devil is a hell of a deal

A spelling bee is really more amazing than a talking dog

I grew up wanting to be a professional driver but one day I realized I had nothing to chauffeur it

I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing too flashy but it fits the bill

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

My latest carpentry project is making cutting boards; I'll tell you, they are pretty counter productive

I knew a guy who was always 'paper' in rock, paper, scissors. He made money hand over fist

My friend used to like to bake buns and take them to the bakery. He seemed to enjoy the roll reversal

Point of grammar; you'll typically want to use the pronouns her/she when referring to American chocolate

My friend from the gym wants to be cremated, he says it's his last chance to urn a smoking hot bod.

The tomato blushed when he saw the salad dressing

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I'm helping a one-armed friend type capital letters. The pay is lousy but the hours are good, first shift.

My friend dated lawyers; I told her at some point they'd lose their appeal

She was just a moonshiner's daughter but I love her still

Nurses need to carry a red pen so they can draw blood

They sure don't make time machines like they're going to!

My friend asked for a small contribution for the neighborhood swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I was going to try and joke about an orange today but I gave up on it as pulp fiction.

I've been trying to tell this sea monster joke but it is kraken me up

cattle with a sense of humor are a laughing stock

I saw a lot of people with umbrellas this week; they all seemed to be under the weather

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust

I drove by the rehab clinic and saw a sign that said "keep off the grass"

Man hit by falling book has only his shelf to blame.

The stewardess told the vulture "sorry, only one carrion item per passenger."

Man killed with starter pistol, experts say race related, film at eleven.

My army buddy William always got nervous when the artillery came out; someone would always shout "fire at will!"

kitchen bandits are real whisk takers

My girlfriend looked surprised when I told her she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

Writers often need a sweater because they are surrounded by drafts.

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

Firefighters remember to save their families first and put out the fire second using the old saying "bros before hose"

A chameleon that can't change colors has a reptile dysfunction

The difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle really comes down to attire.

I have a joke about a late pizza guy, need to work on the delivery.

You can't tell knock knock jokes about America because freedom rings.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

When I was a kid my friend was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.

If you lose your left hand, your right hand will be left

My mathematician friend hates negative numbers; he'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

if an axe falls on your car you might have an axe dent.

A belt made of watches is a waist of time.

don't be too upset if your paper airplane ends up stationery.

English is tough, though through thorough thought you can master it.

Mr Cucumber found the transition to pickled life to be quite jarring

I was thinking of becoming a horse trainer, I hear it is a stable job

The homeless man drinks coffee because he has no proper tea.

I'm addicted to having money in the bank, really suffer from withdrawals

a cat needing a hair transplant must get a refurral

Cheap pirate piercings: a buck an ear!

if you don't have a doorbell chances are you listen to some rap

My screenwriter friend wrote a crossover episode of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider. It was good, General Lee speaking.

The best time on a clock is 6:30, hands down

It has been difficult to get Americans to use dollar coins mostly because we are afraid of change.

My friend David had his ID stolen, now we just call him Dav

mom laughed when i wanted to make a car from spaghetti but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta

Let me give you a piece of advice: adv

I think we can all agree that a mexican train bomber has locomotives.

The spanish magician unexpectedly disappeared after a count of two, without a tres

A crab hates to share because it is a little shellfish

If you're an ant and want to rent a house, you need to find 9 ant friends. You need ten ants.

Making Irish chili is so exacting - you have to stop at 239 beans because one more would be too farty

When asked how it felt to be the prison librarian, I said it had its prose and cons.

I like to laugh when goats give birth because I know they're just kidding

If we boycott prepackaged shredded cheese I think we can make America grate again

Only the letter E gets Christmas presents this year; the rest are not-E

I asked my North Korean friend how things were going. He said he couldn't complain.

I wanted to eat at the International House of Pancakes but I couldn't get in without a Thai

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it so we went and had a drink. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer

My friend Ron and his son Ron Jr. opened up a bakery which was nice but I think they are limiting themselves because two Rons don't make a rye.

I could tell a joke about the elements every day but they seem to do better if I only tell them periodically.

My hippie friend took his pet squid to the beach and it escaped. He tried to stop it but it was too far out, man.

I took a midnight swim in one of the great lakes, it was Erie.

Cheese truck accident reported, streets filled with de brie

I can tell apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

I tried working at a muffler shop but it was exhausting